2006 is currently moving a heck of alot smoother than '05.

2005 highlights include me losing my job and my father.  I was preparing for my last Christmas with him, and he didn't make it till then.  It's been hard, but I have great people around me who help me more than I think that they know.  It just sucks because I keep thinking about how my dad will never see or meet my wife, my children, see what I do with my life, or be there to help me when I need fatherly advice.  It's still weird to come home to an empty house after school if mom is working, but I guess it just takes time to adjust.

Hopefully 2006 will be a lot better than last year, it will be though, it'd take a heckuva lot to top last year as the worst year ever.

The things that I've taken for granted all my life become more apparent as the days go by.  My father now has cancer in his other lung, and there is nothing the doctor can do anymore.  It's officially over now, my dad is going to die, and there is nothing that anyone can do to stop it.  He gets sicker by the day, vomiting up what little food that he can bear to eat, and looking thinner almost to the point of being ghastly.  I have to come upstairs for him to use the bathroom in the portable toilet that sits beside our couch, and also when mom bathes him.  He only gets off the couch for that, he doesn't have the energy nor the will to do anything else.  He couldn't even sit with our family at Thanksgiving dinner.  My mother and sister were talking tonight about bringing tables over for Christmas, as our Dining Room table will likely be taken down to accomodate a hospital bed.  It will be the last Christmas that I will get to spend with my father.

I cry even as I write this.  Knowing that he will never see me graduate from college, never meet my wife, never meet my children, and never see me succeed in life.  It's these things that make me so jealous of my sisters and my brother.  He got to see them grow up, have families, and even watch their children grow up.  It's times like this that make me wish I was 6 again.  I could just lay in my bed and cry and pout and yell that it's unfair.  These are the feelings that I keep inside and wrestle with on a daily basis.  I don't know how to handle this.  I don't know what to do.  Yet, somehow I continue to go on and live.  A part of me tells me that this is all that I can do, and I can't think of any other alternative.  But I feel selfish for just going on and living my life while the father that I kept out of it for so many years lays dying just one floor below me.

The Colts beat the Patriots!!!  I only got to enjoy it a little though.  I watched the game downstairs with my parents cuz my TV broke around a week ago.  As I was laying in the floor watching Peyton Manning own the Pats my eyes caught my father's.  What I saw completely devestated me.  I saw pain and hopelessness in amounts that no man should have to experience.  It's so hard to see him every day, the constant pain, his physical weakness.  I know that he wants nothing more than for the pain to stop, even if that means he dies.  It pains me so much to think this, but I swear he almost wishes for death.  I don't know what I would do if in his shoes, but I think I would feel the same way.  Having to lay sick and dying, having ot rely on others if I want to go anywhere, hell even then only if I have the strength to do so, which he rarely has.  This is by far the hardest situation I've ever had to experience in my 20 years of life.  I try to help, I try to say the right thing, but my words and actions feel empty and pointless.  They do nothing to ease his pain, his suffering continues no matter what I do.  I guess I feel so frustrated because I feel so helpless.  It's one of lifes problems that has no solution, there's no way to win, and I hate losing.  In the movie Any Given Sunday Al Pacino's character responds to the comment "I hate losing" with "At my age you get used to it".  I can see what he means by that now.  In life there are some battles that you cannot win, no matter what you do.  Yet, I hope that I never get used to it.

Rough times....don't swear at co-workers, cuz you get fired.  So...Josh is no longer an employee of Best Buy.  It's crazy I know, but it's turning out to be a good thing.  I'm not working as many hours and I'm having the best acedemic quarter since my first one. 

I've been spending the last month doing the school thing, working, and playing with my great-nephew Logan when he comes over.  He's 14 months old and the only name he can say is Josh.  He stands at the bottom of the stairs and yells it when I'm up here or not at home (how cute is that?). 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot....my other nephew Andrew is having a SWEET senior soccer season down at Mason.  I haven't missed a home game and i've only missed 2 away games.  They're gonna win their league big time.  It's great to be able to hang out with him alot this year, I think he's gonna go to college down south and I'm gonna miss that kid alot.  Gotta throw out some props to my DC soccer boys too...haven't been to a game cuz I've been going to Drew's, but last time I saw they were 10-0-3....WOW!!!  Good Job guys!!!

Time for work....hurray! (sarcasm)

EDIT: 42 DAYS TILL HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE HITS THEATERS.....BE THERE!!

So.....my weekend was nuts.  Jared, Ryan, Eric, RC, John, and myself went camping from Thursday thru Sunday.  It was a crazy time.  We started everyday with killer breakfast followed by overendulging on beer and jager.  Jared and I passed out midday a couple of times.  The pool there was nice and it was right across from a lake and a state park.  The second night Ryan, Jared, and I went to bed thinking that everyone was down for the night.  John, RC, and Eric never showed back up.....they went for a walk and ran across the owner of the campsite.  He was drunk and doing "The Helicopter"  yeah, he had his dick out and was swinging it around.  They met lots of cool 30+ yr old ppl and got way too drunk.  The best night by far though was Saturday night.  It was kareoke night and we kicked things off with a drinking game at about 8.  After jagerbombs and beer we migrated over to the grill and made burgers.  We shared our burgers with half the campsite I swear, but I didn't care as one lady made me a mean margarita and started feeding us all Cherrybombs (vodka+RedBull) like it was water and we were dehydrated in the Sahara.  The liquid confidence that we consumed boosted up RC and he went to hit on some girl named Katie (i think her name was Katie....i'm about 90% sure that it was) yet it was not to be.  As the night progressed Jared called the wife for an hour and crashed...Lanham hung w/ Jared at the camp, and John, RC, Eric, Katie, Katie's mom, and I went to the lake.  The lake was cut short when Eric and John got naked and Katie's mom got worried that her 17 year old daughter was around drunken 20-23 yr. old guys..lol.  RC, Katie and her mom left the lake and I followed.  RC lasted about 10 more minutes b4 he became REAL ill.  He's not a drinker and he had too many shots.  I didn't mind tho..there were frozen margarita's and a pretty girl awaiting me (again i think katie was pretty..but i had beergoggles on).  I then went swimming at the pool w/ Katie and her mom.  Katie and I had fun..lol...i'm sure her mom didn't. 

I had so much fun it was crazy this weekend.  We had HUGE fires (Hurray Kerosene) and only once did anyone complain about us (our fire was too big).  I even got to poop next to a tree.  It's things like this that make me not want to grow up.  I swear, having to work and go to school to survive is BS.  My ideal life is a 24/7 party whereever and with whomever I want.  It was so awesome to see everyone together again for what may be our last big fling.  I doubt it will be though.  I'm starting to realize that I'm luckier than I think I am.  I have great friends who care and are always there whether it be a 5 day party or some devestating problem. 

OMG.....I just realized that I've never said a word about how FRIGGIN' sweet Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was!!!!  That book officially PWNS all others.  I read it in the 2 days after release and am currently in my first reread. No more new Potter stuff till November when the new movie comes out, which by the way looks awesome.  Look for me around halloween and maybe at the movie release....my hair's a-growin' and my Potter costume is about to get ordered.  -I know I'm a dork...but it's stuff like this that keeps me from going insane-